For better or for worse it’s time to talk. I’m in a good place. I’m in a good place, however it isn’t easy and I have to work at it everyday.
For now, my mood is uplifted and I’m feeling positive, confident and happy with me. I do believe singing plays a big part in keeping my mental health, healthy.
It hasn’t always been like this. One negative comment or one little incident could knock me off my feet and send me spiralling down. The trouble is, when it happens the first time you’re not expecting it and you wonder how you even got there.
Depression comes out of nowhere. Suddenly you are in a place you can’t get out of. It’s almost comforting and yet it feels like being somewhere else, like being in a dream or nightmare. I’m pretty sure the first time it happened it was coupled with anxiety too.
No one likes me and no one cares. Why do I feel like this?
Rubbish. Useless. Alone. Frightened. Crazy. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Tearful. Desperate. Dead. Weighted.
Go away world. Leave me under the blankets!
I can’t remember every feeling, thought or motion I had from then because it was 25 years ago. I know it was difficult to see any end to the terrible feeling I carried with me. Furthermore I was surrounded by people but I had never felt so alone and so misunderstood.
That’s the thing. I knew what I was feeling however those around me did not see. On the surface I appeared cheerful and sociable but on the inside, I felt locked away. As a result it’s like watching another version of you continue to play a part in a play where you have no control. How long it goes on for who really knows? For me a lot longer than I thought. When I thought I’d defeated the monster it only came back and reared its ugly great big head a few years later.
The second time was the breaking point and I could recognised some of the symptoms. Time to get out and change something. How can I change me?
It’s the way I am.
Depression doesn’t define me, however consequently, it is a part of me. Every day I fight to keep the demon black dog away and thankfully it has been away for longer than it stayed.
If you are feeling the same and it seems like you are alone, be reassured you are not alone. Get help. Talk to someone. Write it down. Or Sing it away. To find out how singing can help visit the Sing It Out page